


righting the ship: on sex, sacrifice, and shrewd sensibility

by losebetter



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Analysis, Essays, Gen, Meta, Sexual Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-09
Updated: 2018-11-09
Packaged: 2019-08-21 06:13:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16571183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/losebetter/pseuds/losebetter
Summary: this is a fjord-centric meta essay that contains spoilers for critical role campaign two, episodes 24, 40, and 41, as well as references to many other episodes. content is related to sexual themes from the show, but isn’t NSFW. it is being archived here for accessibility purposes due to its length.





	righting the ship: on sex, sacrifice, and shrewd sensibility

**Author's Note:**

> (on tumblr: [here](http://losebetter.tumblr.com/post/179939622061/righting-the-ship-on-sex-sacrifice-and-shrewd))

okay, obviously there’s a lot i want to say about that conversation fjord and caleb had in ep41. there was _so_ much there, especially in combination with their conversation from the previous episode (and even ones long before it, such as the “calculated risks” bit coming back) - but i don’t just want to analyze it all right now, i want to focus on one specific part of it. we’re neck-deep in fjord’s arc, so i want to do a little bit of digging on his character, and on something we keep circling back around to.

let’s talk about -- well, you know.  
****

**“yeah, i’m not real comfortable with this sort of... stuff”**  
**  
**

[ in episode 24 ](https://youtu.be/TawI9iJIxBc?t=3880) (1:04:40), we get our first reference to fjord’s sexual history. here are the relevant parts of the scene transcribed:

> **caleb** : are you honestly okay? you seem _very_ perturbed.  
>  **fjord:** yeah, d - i’m not real comfortable with this sort of... stuff.  
>  **nott:** have you ever been with... ( _caleb, crosstalking: a w -- a someone?_ ) someone?  
>  **fjord:** yeah! totally, yeah.  
>  **nott:** are you sure?  
>  **fjord:** _yup_.  
>  **sam:** insight check. [20]
> 
> **travis:** i have...!  
>  **nott:** he seems to be telling the truth.  
>  **travis:** (...maybe not many, though.)
> 
> **jester:** have you ever paid for anybody b -  
>  **fjord:** no!  
>  **caleb:** was... was it... someone special?  
>  **fjord:** _no_.

there are two things i want to draw attention to here: first (handily) the title of this section, and second that last question & answer from caleb. they sort of fold into one another.

we already know from previous episodes, episodes since, and episodes of talks that fjord is an _incredibly_ self-conscious person where his body is concerned. while not debilitatingly so (he expressed discomfort about bathing/being nude around the entire group (ep9), but did it regardless for what we can assume to be convenience’s sake), he’s extremely body-shy - particularly about his tusks - likely due to abuse and neglect he suffered as a child due to his race (referenced in ep11 & expanded upon in ep22) but the rest of his body as well (keeping his full plate on at the beach in ep33, becoming testy and upset with jester touching his bare front in ep37). travis has talked a lot about how central to his character fjord’s insecurities are, and it’s obvious that his discomfort with his body is only one of those (along with survivor’s guilt, impostor syndrome, and all kinds of fun and familiar things that have come to light in his arc) but i’d say it’s pretty safe to assume this is something he struggles with a lot and that he’s very aware of at all times.

now, let’s look at this conversation through the lens of all of that. fjord is easily flustered, self-conscious, and uncomfortable (“terrified”) discussing sex - fair enough. (there’s a sticking point here about sex with _women_ specifically, but that’s probably another post for another time.)

and yet, for all of his understandable insecurities, he _does_ have a sexual history... but the one significant experience he’s had was, pretty emphatically, not with “someone special.” i have my own theories, but we’ll leave that for the minute - for now, i think it’s safe to say that while fjord doesn’t appear to be wholesale _averse_ to sex (“i’m half-interested, half terrified” to molly in ep24 after being invited to join him with some of his “guests,” not to neglect all the dick and seamen jokes free-flying at all times), he certainly has his hang-ups. his self-worth is in the toilet, which could mean the amount he feels his _body_ is worth is pretty negligible as well. it’s impossible to say for sure until we get more details, but i do have another point to make from here.

 

**  
“you do what you have to.”**

  
i’m going to make what feels like sort of a bold statement here: fjord trusts caleb widogast _so much_ . from the outset - the literal, actual outset, i’m talking [ episode one ](https://critical-gemini-hero.tumblr.com/post/170466415640/every-moment-fjord-is-impressed-withcompliments) and onward, fjord has been so openly complimentary and admiring of caleb’s skill, wit, and sharp focus that liam spent months visibly hellbent convinced he was planning a heel turn.

fjord doesn’t feel like anything close to a leader - he prefers to be in the background, blending into a crowd to not be taken advantage of (paraphrased from ep30). he’s used to following orders, and will happily continue to do so. but as the m9 has gravitated toward his charisma and strategic mind, he’s tried to step up to do right by them... checking in with caleb almost every step of the way, and encouraging caleb to speak his mind and contribute to the position. i really can’t reference every episode this happens in, we’d be here all day, because it’s a _pattern_ . fjord is always looking to caleb for input, advice, and direction. when caleb asks him to do something, even if he’s already told someone else he won’t, he does it. when caleb asks him a direct question, even one he doesn’t want to answer, even one it’s _painful_ to answer, he answers it. fjord trusts caleb to not lead him astray as wholly and solidly as he trusts caleb to know what direction is north, which is _always_.

i can’t tell you why that is. i can guess, but this story is only just beginning to unfold. but i think it’s fair to say that for the bulk of the campaign, fjord has looked up to caleb quite a bit. even the standoff in the high richtor’s estate (ep12) is characterized not by fjord’s fury or mistrust, but by the ultimatum he’d chosen to confront caleb with - _we’re either a team, or you’re working for yourselves. decide._ \- and caleb did, and so fjord treats him as exactly that: a teammate. and as time has gone on, a friend and confidant.

which brings us to episode 40.

[ at about the tail-end of the episode ](http://gabebriel.tumblr.com/post/179705974748/these-days-ive-spent-with-you-are-the-most) (2:22), the group confers about avantika. they don’t trust her (duh) and fjord doesn’t have any interest in fucking with the kind of fuckshit she’s fuckin’ with, especially at the expense of the group (attaboy), but they agree that it will be infinitely safer for them to play along with her until they can leave her behind, instead of trying to stage an escape or a fight.

now, matt has confirmed on talks that avantika’s interest in fjord is purely professional. she isn’t attracted to him, but seducing him is a power play - one that beau has cottoned onto already and made clear. it’s also beau who broaches the subject, asking if fjord is going to take her up on her... _offer_.

> **fjord:** shit. [...] yes, i suppose i - i should, to keep relations... _up._ _  
> _**caleb:** _ja_ , well…  
>  **fjord:** ?  
>  **caleb:** ...you do what you have to.  
>  **fjord:** ...........yes... yes. alright.

and so he does - he is “overpowered,” even.

y’all, just take a breath for a second. put down the piping bag for the “congrats on the sex” cake, just for a bit here. in the context of this essay, maybe it’s already obvious where this is going. i don’t want to get too deep into speculation, so instead, let’s discuss what we can: the fallout.

 

 **“have you ever sacrificed anything in order to achieve a greater goal?”**  

oh fjord, buddy... ahem. all kinds of theories about fjord’s motivations appeared following ep40, but to my mind, ep41 has done a few things to that end; let’s ease into this by mentioning fjord’s single-mindedness regarding a very specific point. he makes reference a few times throughout the episode to caleb’s suggestions - _“i think it’s best we all listen to caleb, and play along”_ \- and deferring to his judgment of the situation with avantika. of course, this culminates in [ The Talk ](http://gabebriel.tumblr.com/post/179921268103/i-think-that-that-woman-is-going-to-try-to-kill). i can’t feasibly transcribe the entire thing for this essay (though it wouldn’t be irrelevant), but let’s look at the most appropriate pieces:

> **fjord:** i have to admit, i found myself a bit surprised. you, um - my initial impression of you was as someone a bit... timid, maybe reserved - meek, even. but your... _tone -_ your opinion - of what to do with avantika in order to make sure that we’re okay... it seemed very... _calculated_ . very _risky_.

as i mentioned at the start, this is already a lot - the callback to their conversation about “calculated risks” (ep14), fjord phrasing this _so carefully_. it’s right there: fjord is trusting caleb to direct the m9 “in order to make sure they’re okay,” himself included. to his mind, caleb told him to do something - and we already know how he tends to react to that.

> **fjord:** do you mind me asking if you’ve... _(sigh)_ have you ever sacrificed anything, in order to... achieve a greater goal?

let’s face it, this could mean a hundred thousand things. i know. but if you all will humor me, i’d like to pull the sheet off what i feel much of this fandom has been treating as the elephant in the room.

a lot of the core of fjord’s character, including what we’ve seen of his personal arc, _centers around sex and sexuality_ . i know! We Don’t Talk About That, and i’m the gay fjord guy so what does my opinion even matter - but i promise it’s important. this is a story we all see so rarely that i’m afraid it is slipping through our fingers, right under our noses: fjord, an almost unusually handsome, charming, friendly male character, doesn’t just have hang-ups about sex - we’re seeing his confidence about sex and how he relates to his sexuality and his own body actually fracture further in front of us - and get _acknowledged_ , in real time.

i don’t know if this is a story critical role is telling on purpose. i think by creating a character who was so objectively dashing but giving him these insecurities, maybe this was something travis wanted to touch on. i think it’s an interesting coincidence that matt and laura have been the most consistent about... for lack of a better phrase, throwing themselves at fjord, given that aside from travis himself, they’re the two most likely to be aware of this and be making any consequent pushes to bring this story to the forefront.

but regardless, it is a story about an excessively gentle, accommodating, nonviolent male character trapping himself in a highly dangerous sexual give-and-take, and he’s _scared_ . he isn’t _just_ in over his head because there’s a leviathan the size of space trying to persuade him to let it take over the planet; he’s in over his head because all of these little hits are piling up, and he can only take so many more. these are extremely intimate fears - hell, anytime fjord edges around discussing them he sounds close to tears - about a subject canon has already told us over and over again he’s particularly vulnerable about. there’s such incredible depth here, and i think this can be a lens that gives a sobering, cathartic insight into an extremely real and often-ignored struggle - if we _let it_ , instead of shying away from it in favor of dismissing fjord as a goofy, horny dumbass whose only purpose in the narrative is to realize he’s been in love & lust with jester (despite her cheerfully smashing through his obvious boundaries) The Entire Time. the canon is there - what you all do with it is up to you. **  
**

 


End file.
